2020’s over – What did I learn?

This year has changed how a lot of us operate:

• Jobs: People lost them or had to deal with the new reality of lower revenue, and/or working remotely.
• Connection: People who thrive on connecting with other people have been experiencing a dark time. Hugs for loved ones go from being
• Home: now became the place where we love, we work, we worship, we exercise, we see our families, therapists, doctors and friends. All while looking at these little color screens, and experienced 24×7 for some of us.
• Life: many lost their lives too soon, and many lost the life of a loved one too soon. This has led to grief.

Prior to starting this year, I was enjoying an exciting time in my life: managing a new team, becoming engaged, and experiencing life by going hard every day, and meditating and exercising to maintain some sort of equilibrium.

Then March happened. I remember talking to my boss, after reading that the Biogen Conference in Boston had exposed people to the coronavirus in the central hub that is our office complex, Copley Square. I told him that not only would I not be showing up to work the next day, I would be giving my team the instructions also not to come either. I couldn’t have them getting sick on my conscience. I’m glad we took that time away from the office, as shortly after, the pandemic started taking off – and honestly our team was pretty productive in or outside the office.

This change made it clear to me (and I’m sure everyone else) that the equilibrium that I maintained before wasn’t going to cut it when living at home full time, worrying about the world with my own thoughts and the news bringing day after day of senseless violence against people of color in the United States to the screens right in front of us. The same screens that showed us our loved ones and our work. There was no escaping that this is a powder keg moment for the United States: just a few months of economic shutdown and one of the most powerful countries in the world cannot even tend for its most vulnerable with PPE or equal treatment of the law.

So – I spent several months in isolated despair, doing only what I could – walking circles around city blocks, calling people to talk – donating money to the local mutual aid network and political candidates who promised to solve the problem, reading and meditating. There was a lot of anger and frustration – especially when our commander in chief was in direct dereliction of his duty and trying to stoke anger and fear amongst those he knew were vulnerable and willing to vote for him to maintain what shred of dignity they had left. This blog isn’t about politics, so I’ll spare you more of my frustration and get into the lessons I learned:.

Nature is more important than I imagined.

My wife Amanda and I love where we live in Medford. It’s a stone’s throw from Somerville and delicious food, fun entertainment, and pretty convenient to where we work. You’ll notice I didn’t mention anything about our apartment, which is perfectly serviceable. But, it exists protected in the shadows of five other buildings around it. This is wonderful in the summer – as we don’t have to work hard to air condition our space – it benefits pretty greatly from limited solar exposure. But, in the winter, it is tough not to see the sunlight.

Amanda and I formed a habit of getting up early before work and walking around the streets, trying to soak up all the exercise, sunlight and nature sounds that we could. Amanda and I have made it a goal that wherever we land next, there should be woods and abundant light. We both grew up in this kind of a setting, and although I dismissed it as a luxury, it turns out that if you’re living in a place 24×7, setting really does matter.

People cope with change in very different ways.

I won’t get too deep into some of the observations I’ve made of people around me to protect their privacy, but it has become abundantly clear that different people respond to adversity differently.

Some people embrace the challenge head on.

Some people take their frustration out on others.

Some fall apart at the seams and implode.

And, everyone could change their behavior pretty quickly.

The law of the instrument

I was one of those people who fall apart at the seams and implode. I’d meditate with ferocity in the morning, walk hard core, and then at the end of the day I was a potato in the same room where I had worked all day.

It turns out, the tools that I thought were miracle workers didn’t solve every problem. Moslow (of Hierarchy of Needs fame) is often quoted in the software engineering field about the law of the instrument:

I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.

Abraham Moslow, 1966

My tool was primarily insight meditation, which brings to the front of your attention all the wildly wonderful and terrible things that you might think of at any time. And, your goal is to hold it with non-judgmental awareness (good luck!). The problem is that this is a great tool when you are unaware of the patterns in your mind, but it isn’t the only tool you can use to solve the problems that you’re facing!

There were (and still are) quite a few tools that I was ignoring in my toolbox, and may still not have figured out how to use:

A few off the top of my head:

• My wife and I are wonderful sources of compassion when it does not arise from within. The goal should be to share that compassion consistently, rather than rely on it deeply in little one week increments. If we are both burning each other out, and the end of the day, we’ll have run out of compassion.
• Nature (and discomfort) is really really important. Humans were meant to be out in it. As Wim Hof (famous dutch athlete known for his seemingly superhuman ability to withstand cold temperatures) has illuminated for us in scientific studies: the human body actually isn’t meant to live in a perfectly regulated 68 degree concrete box at all hours of the day. This means that if your circulatory system isn’t being exercised, you become at inherent risk for inflammation causing issues to your health. This next year, I plan on spending less time in the comfort of home and getting back out to the nature I love so much.
• Loving Kindness is sappy and uncomfortable, but the easier you hold yourself and others with care and kindness, the faster you let go of the inevitable things that happen. I’ve had to practice loving kindness for a few people in my life, and it’s made me really be able to see two things: First, that they’re likely not trying to ruin everything in the maniacal sense I envision. Secondly, if I treat them as if they are, most certainly, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We’re all doing the best we can. Give people some room.
• The people in your corner are important. They’re going to stumble and fall. You better be there to pick them up, or help get them help. The more you treat people with kindness and respect, the more they’ll be there for you when that is just the remedy you need.
• Creativity is one of those itches that money simply doesn’t scratch. Just starting this blog actually took me out of a months long rut of not being able to find time to write any meaningful code. Suddenly, in one day I was staying up late, not because I had to, but because I was excited about writing my blog and writing this one solution to a problem I was facing at work that many other people would love to solve too (more on this later!). I’ve always had my fingers in a few creative pies, so it surprises me that this wasn’t something I had bandwidth to focus on. I’m going to try and carve out some time for these passions in the current year.

I’m sure there are many many more tools in my toolbox that I’m forgetting, and that I’ve yet to discover. But, boy oh boy, did everything look like a meditation-shaped nail this year. Don’t get me wrong – meditation is great. You should do it. Just don’t expect it to solve every problem! Not reacting to things is wonderful – however it’s still up to you to maintain right speech and right action – and that practice isn’t found on the cushion.

Cheers, 2020!

I learned a lot this year. I grew a lot this year. I got married. We’re closing on a house soon! It hasn’t been all bad for us at all, but it’s important that we remember we’re all in this together. The Dalai Lama made a good point at the beginning of the lockdown, which is something I think we Americans forget – which is that we’re all experiencing this together. Right around us – down the street, just over our border. We’re all facing struggles – at the same time. We need to open to that thought and come together to solve them. See you in 2021 – and let me know how I can pitch in on your great ideas.